By Ambarish Ray

ambarish ray metal communicationsA certain section of the reading audience, psychologically significant if not statistically so, was complaining noisily the other day about the nature of the content of this blog (perception, reality, hyperlinks, big words, etc). They were requesting respite, if not cessation. So, this fortnight, I shall look into the general principle of giving back to the crucible from which we take so much all the time.

The average English dictionary is one such chalice from which we have drunk for many years, its contents having formed, reformed, shaped and otherwise influenced, defined and directed our vocabulary. In fact, any sensible sound that we have historically made and will make in the future that is not in our mummy’s tongue, probably owes its origin to this fine receptacle.

It is time we made an attempt to replenish it. Here’s mine (not in alphabetical order):

Flexicon (noun): a dictionary without a spine.

Battocks (noun): the exceptionally well developed lower torso of a cricketer or batsman.

Vowel movement (noun): a condition that makes people misspell words like ‘receive’, ‘restaurant’ and ‘bourgeoisie’.

Berth control (noun): a highly irritating practice of placing a handkerchief or handbag on an empty seat to indicate that it has been reserved for people who are yet to arrive. Very annoying to those who have.

Cafe late (noun): that one drink that always comes after everyone else at the table has finished theirs. Puts the orderer in significant discomfort.

Arbitrage (noun): a breed of anger whose origin is usually unknown and arises without any possible reason. Usually affects motorists and creative people.

Auntypathy (noun): a natural, basic or habitual repugnance towards elderly women.

Woodpecker (noun): a priapic condition characterised by a perpetually stiff member. Normally found in male teenagers and the twisted.

Arsenic (noun): one who makes rude and often pessimistic remarks about other people’s rears.

Hispanic (adj): a constant state of fear and paranoia afflicting the male of the species.

Moleasses (noun): a collective of stupid spies.

Asspiration (noun): the act of people sweating their backsides to keep making more money in order to buy more, consume more and generally display their wealth in an artificial, high pressure, competitive environment. Usually leads to the marketers getting richer and the consumers getting cardiac arrests.

Tickle down effect (noun): the uncontrollable motor reaction when someone’s feet are lightly touched or prodded.

Hideous Corpus, writ of (noun): a lesser known Constitutional right that protects those citizens possessing exceedingly ugly bodies.

Bullion (noun): a very, very small piece of bull.

Hooker (noun): fisherman. Colloquial usage, origin unknown.

Benine (noun): a congregation of congenial people more than eight and less than ten in number.

Bandwidth (noun): cumulative girth of a group of musicians when they are standing side by side on stage to take a bow after performing.

Summersalt (noun): epidermal residue deposited during perspiration in hot weather conditions.

Guynocology (noun): branch of social art that deals with turning down advances from men.

Grayhound (noun): an aged stalker.

Legder (noun): a person who sits and introspects a lot on the narrow, horizontal surface projecting from a wall, cliff or window.

Superfluous (adj): a widespread, global epidemic situation following the discovery of a new strain of the influenza virus like avian flu or H1N1.

Assidity (noun): a condition characterised by a bitter taste in the mouth and burning sensation in the chest, affecting those who are stuck in a situation where they are continuously exposed to pathological idiots.

Adhesive (noun): a piece of commercial communication that stays in public memory for a long, long time. Examples: Apple 1984 or Dhara television communication.

Cutting age (noun): the stage of life from when a Maharashtrian is considered old enough to consume tea.

Investment wanker (noun): a particularly denigrated and fast diminishing species of financial amateur. Largely responsible for most of the world’s economic woes.

Yummy (noun): a degree in Mechanical Engineering (M.E.) as vocalised in the South of India. Usage: Mahalingam achieved a first class first in his yummy exams.

Bacon (verb transitive): act of calling or summoning someone as vocalised in the East of India. Usage: “Bacon him to my office immijeeately”, bellowed Mr Dostidar.

Banjo (noun): an expression of extreme passion, employed largely in the hormone heavy, turban belts of Northern India like Punjab, Haryana, etc. Usage: Banjo!! How dare he eat my kukkad tandoor, Banjo!!

Vicarious (adj): of or representing that of the person acting as priest of a parish in place of the rector.

Dislodge (noun): a small cottage or resting place in an earthquake prone area.

Ghoulash (verb transitive): the act of punishing an evil demon supposed to feed on humans by chaining it to a post and applying the whip to its body.

Obecity (noun): a mythical place where social acceptance or attention from the opposite sex is not dependent upon one’s fitness.

Copulate (noun): a policeman who consistently arrives at the crime scene after he is no longer required.

Condominimum (noun): the critical amount of latex required for the structural stability of a contraceptive device.

The chalice is not even half full. Contributions are welcome.